Saying No to Head Decisions and Other Things I'm Still Learning in My 30's...
“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” – Marcus Aurelius
I’ve been battling a lot of depression lately. Recently, I took on not just one, but TWO new part-time positions to train to run retail stores (one at a large chain, and the other at a woman owned gift shop more in line with the vision of MY store Affirmations Gift Shop). I did all of this because it would- or so I convinced myself would- help me better develop my “leadership” skills and build “experience” to help me feel more “qualified” to run this business I’m building.
Because lets be real- AffirmationsGiftShop.com has GOT TO become a brick-in-mortar store someday. Complete with a live performance venue inside so people can be encouraged and empowered from every which angle (more on that later).
I use lots of “quoties” because these new job prospects are all decisions I made with my head- primarily out of fear of looking like a fraud- instead of just plain following my heart like I always preach for everyone else to do.
Tisk tisk, Tiffany.
Why don’t I ever take my own advice?
So anyway, here I’ve been for the last couple of months, feeling all depressed, stressed and crying every other day at my “day job”. I’ve felt trapped in a life that I absolutely DON’T want at all but have condemned myself to suffer with because I was convinced I wasn't “good enough” or ready to build a business on my own with the skills I already had at this time in life.
Blah.
What bullshit?!
BTW, this was totally NOT the original angle I planned on taking with this quote from Marcus Aurelius, but here we are. I thought I was gonna write something preachy about how I shouldn’t have been dwelling on my pain and misery at work every day because negative thoughts just grow negative feelings and make you feel stuck. Which they do. Blah blah blah.
But the real problem for me is I have a problem with focusing on the negative thoughts about MYSELF. Dwelling on my “weaknesses” which honestly I only perceive as weakness because I also have a problem with comparing myself to other people nearly constantly. I often do this because I had so many negative words spoken over me in my past that I can’t always shake, but that’s more stories for another day. I also have a problem with believing I have to do everything perfect right away, which of course puts so much pressure on myself that I end up just creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of mistakes and thus more feelings of being incapable. Which in turn, ultimately causes me to give up, scrap projects (even just temporarily) and try something new. Leaving me with a long trail of abandoned dreams, half completed projects and unfulfilled potential.
But honestly, no one is really putting that kind of pressure on me anymore, but ME. Me and MY THOUGHTS are the problem. Deeply engrained negative thoughts from the past that I often ruminate on now and thus sabotage my present.
No bueno.
In the voice of actress Jane Lynch or Anne Robinson: "You ARE the WEAKEST LINK. Goodbye..."
But it doesn’t have to be like that forever. It just takes some practice (OK probably a lot of practice) to reprogram your wrong thinking. I have to learn to focus on my strengths and what good things I have to offer. My bosses at both of my day jobs have actually been wonderful in encouraging me in this area and I cannot thank them enough. But I need to learn to change my thoughts about me and my life for myself. No one else can do that for me but me.
But I do believe there are resources that can help facilitate that healing and mental reprogramming. And that’s where all these products, blog posts, upcoming books, music and other empowering media come from. I am creating a lot of great new products that I believe will help others. Because I KNOW I’m not the only one who struggles with negative thoughts, discouragement, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and other horrible things that make one feel stuck. I mean there’s a reason they have entire months dedicated to Mental Health Awareness and whatnot. There’s a lot of people in the world like me.
Fortunately though, every time I struggle with one of these I eventually have some positive epiphany that inspires me to create a new product, write a new song, etc. Which I am currently working on. I will be sharing all this with you shortly.
But until then, just know if you are struggling that you are NOT ALONE. It just might take a little work on your part to help you get “unstuck” and into the right mindset. And I want to help you. Learn from my mistakes and be validated by the work and products I share. You CAN get there and I will too.
“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”
What have you been focusing on? And what is it you need to start meditating on instead to help you live your happiest life? Share with me in the comments.
Daily Affirmations:
I AM Capable
I AM Good Enough
I AM Letting Go Of Wrong Thinking
I AM OK the Way I Am
I AM Who I Am Supposed to Be
I AM Gifted with My Own Strengths and Purpose
I AM Growing as a Person